So, it was a week ago today that we found out my pregnancy was ending in a miscarriage. Now, seven days later, I feel.... fine, pretty much. Every once in a while I have one of those moments where I'm suddenly reminded of all that's happened. Like yesterday, I was doing some filing and I found a post-it note onto which I had begun to write a list of things we needed to buy for the new kid. Those moments are like reliving the very point in time we knew for sure it was a miscarriage, but to a lesser degree. They're not upsetting, really, but kind of... jarring. One of those, "oh... yeah," kind of realizations. Almost like remembering a vivid dream.
Now, the question is what to do with a blog titled, "How to grow a human," when there is no longer a human growing inside me.
A funny thing has happened to me since the miscarriage. Suddenly, I find I'm motivated to accomplish a goal I've only been dreaming about for years. And when I say years, I mean it. Since... college, at least? High school, maybe? This is the dream of writing. Well, let me clarify: the dream of writing on a professional level. The dream of getting paid to write.
This is something I've allowed myself to daydream about - probably too often. But when it comes to actually doing something about it? I've done nothing, really. Oh, I've written some things. If you delved into my hard drive you'd find a folder entitled, "Writing", with some subfolders inside. It's the publishing for payment part that I've completely neglected.
Why? I've been intimidated, I guess. There are probably as many wanna-be writers in this country as there are wanna-be actors. Maybe more. So, the competition is fierce even when you factor in the schmucks like me who do nothing to further their writing passion. Until now, that statistic alone (supported by absolutely nothing) has been enough to render me immobile with fear and complacency. But now?
I'm not sure what about my recent experience has changed my mind, but it has, and I'm going with it. Suddenly, I find myself full of this... thing. This new, what, emotion? State of mind? State of being? I've not completely identified it, but it seems to be very much like confidence.
So, instead of growing the human inside of me, I'm going to try and grow the human that is me (I'm sure you all saw that coming). It's been an eventful week, for sure. What the coming week will bring, I'm not sure, but I think I'm game for just about anything.