Saturday, August 6, 2011

The One on my due date.

I started this blog back in December of 2010. My original concept was to chronicle my second pregnancy for my own sanity and for the entertainment of whoever may wander this way. After miscarrying the pregnancy, I decided to keep the blog going, and it has become an increasingly important outlet for me.

In the wee hours this morning I happened to notice the date is August 6th. I wasn't sure right away why that date rang a bell, but a few minutes later I figured it out: today was my due date.

I sat there stunned. It was only a few months ago we were preparing for a newborn's arrival. Our lives would change in ways we could only imagine, and I both longed for it and dreaded it simultaneously.

Now though? I can't imagine being at full term with a pregnancy - my belly huge and uncomfortable while I spend my time taking naps at every turn in an effort to steel myself against the barrage of sleepless nights to come.

So much has happened in the months since the miscarriage, and though my head tells me I should lament the loss again on this significant date, my gut tells me this miscarriage was a miracle in its own right.

The loss of this baby wasn't a loss, really. It was a gain. I gained a perspective I'd never had. It was as if my life was hazy and dim and the miscarriage made everything come into focus.

After many years of half-assing my life, I've begun making an effort. I'm healthier. I'm happier. I like the person I'm becoming.

I'm a writer. I'm actually getting paid to write. I'm busy working at the computer during the day and often I have more work than I can get to, so I'm staying up late at night. Honestly, I'm exhausted.

But exhilarated!

So, no matter what my head tells me, I'm not going to mourn the miscarriage I had in six months ago. I'm going to celebrate it.

3 comments:

  1. I love you, Jeanne Epstein!!

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  2. Totally love this post. You have inspired me.

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